Thursday, August 28

Today when I arrived on campus, there were actually people present—which led me to believe that class was indeed in session. The third time was the charm. I got there around 7:40 AM, again exhibiting my heightened anticipation. I perched on a bench and pulled out my computer, acting as though I was doing work. In actuality, I was trying to gauge the average age of the passerbys, observing their characteristics, and determining which ones I could adapt to appear younger than I really am. I had already shaven my chin and lip hair. Would that be enough?

I arrived at the conclusion that the average age was 19 ½, though all of the students looked liked they could have easily shown up for the first day of school at Sac High and fit right in. I put on my sunglasses and walked into Kroeber Hall.

I entered into a lecture hall full of light chatter. Upon first glance, I appeared to be the only person who knew no one. I then noticed the oafs, ogres and fat girls: they too were mute. I was encouraged by my company.

I found a seat on an aisle. This was strategic, as there isn’t much space in the lecture halls, especially in the older buildings. Back when I was at Cal years and years ago as a traditional undergrad, I also found that the seats next to me were often the ones that were always available. I’ve been dousing myself in Love Spell body spray since 99’ and Bath and Body Works’s Pear Berry lotion (now discontinued) before that, so I know it wasn’t a smell issue. Sure enough, the seat next to mine, in spite of the 50 additional people on the waitlist standing on the walls, remained empty.

Until, let’s call him Dilbert, came in. Dilbert is about 6’4”. Dilbert is hairy. Dilbert wanted to sit right next to me.—and I was actually okay with it. The good thing about Dilbert is he looks older than me, in spite of being a freshman. I felt that he gave me added credibility in my quest to look younger.

Class was uneventful as it was the first day. The professor breezed through the syllabus. (If you don’t know Sally, picture a woman with electrified red hair to which balloons would be drawn, Jesus sandals, and glasses.) The one funny moment was when Sarah, the professor, attempted to do the Homer Simpson “Doh” and hit herself a wee bit too hard in the forehead. I was toward the back of the room but could still hear the sound resembling a baseball bat smacking an onion being pitched at 60 mph. She was dazed but quickly snapped out of it.